I never would have thought a month after writing a letter to Cappie I would have to write a letter to you. I meant to write sooner, but I needed time. I probably shouldn’t be writing this when I’m emotional. There will likely be a lot of errors, but I don’t care. I finally have the energy to write this.
I thought we had more time together. You still had your sight. You still could hear. You still jumped six-foot fences. You ate a mile a minute. I had to constantly remind you to slow down before you choked or vomited. One day you’re chowing down, and the next day you weren’t.
The last weeks of your life were hard. If I’m being honest, I wanted to stay as far away from you as I could. It was too hard for me to see you go through all that, but I couldn’t stay away. I wanted to spend as much time with you while I still had the chance, and someone had to take care of you. You only ate your regular food when it was in my hand, and I had to tell you it was okay to eat. When you missed the bathroom sink and ran out, you came back after I went in and you let me lift you up there. Thank you for letting me take care of you. Thank you for trusting me.
I’m sorry you couldn’t go outside. It broke my heart every time I heard you meow, but I wasn’t about to let you disappear to die somewhere. I probably wouldn’t have been able to find your body, and I wasn’t about to let your story end like that.
Whenever I cried, you forced yourself to eat or drink. I know you wanted to get better for me, and I know you were scared. I was scared, too. I tried to stay strong for you. I didn’t do a good job, though, I know. I don’t think you wanted to die (if you even knew what death was), and I didn’t want to lose you. You’ve been with me for most of my life; I’ve never had to live without you. You meant the world to me. You were more than my pet. You were my fur baby, my emotional support, and a best friend. 2016 has been the shittiest year of my life, and I wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for you. You brought so much joy into my life. Of course, the one thing that made me happy would be taken away from me. That’s 2016, huh?
I feel empty. Part of me died when you did. I don’t have much motivation these days. I keep thinking what’s the point when my girl is dead?! I looked at your ashes. I have a hard time accepting that you went from a furry animal to a few ashes in a small box. I almost regret having you cremated. Mom and Dean may not always live in this house. I didn’t want to bury you and not always be able to visit your grave.
I don’t want you to worry about me, though. I know you hated it when I was upset, so I’m trying to be okay for you. I have to keep reminding myself of the positives. You’re not in pain anymore, and I got the chance to say goodbye. I got to spend a lot of time with you before you left. You lived a long, healthy cat life. If Alex hadn’t brought you home from Corky’s, who knows what would have happened to you. You were a homeless kitten in need of a home. It’s why your name is Lucky. Not every cat is as lucky as you were.
We’re getting another cat any day now. They wanted it to be a surprise, but I already knew. I heard them talk about it. Then Dean showed me the picture of her. She’s an all black cat. I wish I didn’t need a new cat. If I had only one wish, I’d wish for fifty more years with you. I’d wish pets could live as long as humans. I hope you’re okay with me getting another cat. No cat will ever be able to replace you, and I don’t want to replace you. You’re one of a kind! I’m not sure why, but I almost feel I’m betraying you by getting a new cat. I want you to know I’m getting another cat because I loved you so much, and I need an animal. I need the emotional support, a furry best friend, and I need a fur baby to take care of.
There may be a new cat coming in the picture, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget about you. You’ll always be in my mind and heart. I’ll always cherish our memories, and I have a few hundred pictures of us. I’m so glad I took a lot of pictures these past few years. I only wish I had some from when you were younger.
I love how you used to lick us in our ears as a kitten.
I love how you always rushed to my aid when I cried. Remember that one time you kept petting me on the head when I was crying? I burst into laughter. I thought I was the one who had to pet you?
I love how you followed me around the house. When we had that crack in the bathroom door and you weren’t already in with me, you’d sit on the other side and watch me. Some might think that’s creepy. Or you would scratch on the door as if it were life or death.
I love that you watched my first meteor shower with me.
I love that you hated my singing.
I love the times you would force yourself between me and my laptop because you wanted to cuddle. Or the times you kept jumping on the desk. You were a major writing distraction, but a good distraction.
I’ll always remember the times you made me get up in the morning to sit with you at the kitchen table so you could rub your head against me. All you wanted was to give loves before heading out for the day, and all I wanted was to go back to sleep. I regret not sitting at the table with you more. I was always so tired and mad at you for constantly making me get up in the morning. I’d probably get up an average of five times in one morning just for you to jump back on the kitchen table. I miss those days.
Remember the times you left rats for us? I know you only wanted to provide for us. Thank you.
I love that phase you went through when you only came inside when I called you. Everyone would call for you, but you’d just sit on the front porch. I’d then call for you, and you would come right inside. I loved those days.
You know what my favorite memory of us is? The day you spent all day cuddling with me. It was a few months ago, and all you wanted to do that Saturday was be curled up next to me. I kept waiting for you to get up and start your day outside, but it never happened. I didn’t mind, though. Wishing you were an indoor only kitty, I loved that you wanted to spend all day inside. Eventually, we got up to eat and use the bathroom, and I thought for sure you’d finally go outside. Nope, you followed me right back to the room and curled up next to me again. The same thing happened the second time I got up. I had planned on getting some editing done that day, but I guess it really was Caturday.
The other night, as I was dozing off, I thought I saw you. You meowed. I tried to meow, but nothing came out. I meowed louder then I fell asleep. I occasionally hear faint meow sounds, but I’m sure it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. I don’t know if God and Heaven are real, but I’m going to think they are. I have to believe you’re in Heaven, and I’ll see you again someday.
I hope you and all of our other furry animals had a good Christmas in Heaven. I wish you could have been here for one last Christmas. I got some picture frames that I’m going to fill with my favorite pictures of us.
I read that tortie cats tend to like and stick to only one person. I’m honored to have been the chosen one. I know you love me, and I know you heard me say this a thousand times in the last month, but I’m going to say it again. I love you more than anything and everything! I always have, and I always will. No matter how far apart we are, you’ll always be my girl. You were the perfect first cat! Well, minus the fact you always had fleas and worms. Thanks for leaving some of each behind for me (sarcasm). Despite that, I love you. All I want is you curled up next to me in your spot. Your spot is empty without you. This house is empty without you. I miss you so much! I would do anything to bring you back, but I know there’s nothing I can do. Until we’re reunited, you’ll live in my heart. Also, every novel I write will have a tortoiseshell cat named after you.
I love you more than you will ever know.